Purpose?

"Regardless of what we go through in life,

there is always purpose wrapped within the pain."

                                                        --O.J. Brigance, ALS warrior

     At this time, last year we were deep in the throes of Dad's ALS battle.  His respiratory failure was becoming apparent, the BiPAP was a struggle, and eating and swallowing were so difficult for him.  We were by now aware that the disease was progressing relentlessly, and that his time would not be the usual 3-5 year from diagnosis.  Dad knew this, and was doing his best to prepare us.

     I've been missing him a lot over the last few days, and to feel closer to him I've been listening to old country music on my drive home from work.  Waylon, Merle, even Donna Fargo.  It makes me cry, but that's ok.  I used to talk to him most days when I got off work, and we'd usually talk while I drove from Sioux Falls to Lennox.  I always think about him now during that time. It feels good to cry, and feels better to remember.

     Grieving is a process.  It's a day by day, even minute by minute, adjusting to losing the most influential person in my life.  Dad was just so BIG, for all of us.  We've lost the one person that would always have our backs more than anyone else in the world.  It's a huge hole. 

     We are all doing ok though, doing as expected.  We were raised to be strong and to carry on.  We are doing that.  Mom's heart is broken, but she is day by day getting through.  Like it or not, life goes on.  But it's changed me, changed us all.  Even at work, after all these years, dealing with death and dying is now a struggle.  It's still too raw, and I avoid it as best I can. 

     I struggle to see God's purpose in this.  Was it to wake the rest of us up, to shake up our faith?   I believe that God does have a plan.  I just don't see how Dad's illness and death benefits anyone or anything, yet I don't believe that our loving God would do it to punish. I don't get the purpose.  We just keep hanging on to our faith, and to eachother.  I don't see how anyone could survive this grief without believing. 

     I also pray that our Heavenly Father forgives and understands, that right now, I look forward to Heaven because I miss my earthly father. 

     I believe that He does.