So Happy for You - So Sad for Me!

Good morning sweetie,

 

Grief is a funny thing – you never know when it will hit you again.  Some days I wake up and think I am fine, but other days it hits again and the loneliness is overwhelming.  Sometimes that loneliness occurs when I am with a group of people, or even with our family......that is why it is so strange.  Today is one of those days.

 

The days are beautiful right now. Crisp autumn mornings that turn into a beautiful warm day.  I have become a project person and I have done some things to our house to make it nicer and more comfortable.  I put a fireplace in the basement.  Sorry hon, because it cost some money, but I thought it would be better and I would enjoy it more than going on a trip right now.  A trip would just make me more lonely, where the house now makes me feel cozy and safe.  I have pictures of you hanging around – and they make me feel good, too.

 

Erin arranged for an interview with KELO that will air soon.  It is about the ALS walk coming up and why our family is so passionate about raising money for ALS. I am super proud of the kids for what they are doing and picking this way to deal with their grief.

 

I wish we could go riding in the Hills today.....

 

I may drive out to the Hills yet this fall.  It might make me feel closer to you.  I miss you so much sweetheart.  I am so happy for you, but still so sad for me.  I love you – always have, always will.

Miss You

We have passed the 5 month mark since Dad's death.  I sometimes find it harder now than it was right away.  At first we were so happy for him.  Now it's just so permanent. 

1 year ago we were still dealing with the diagnosis and we were planning our 2011 Haagenson Haul.  This year we enter into the autumn season and the holidays without the head of our family.

I hear "life goes on" and that is true.  Guess I can't argue with that logic.  Earth keeps spinning on her axis, campaigns are in full swing, kids are in school and seasons are changing.  But I am changed.  I am changed forever.

I have learned how personal the journey of grieving is.  For some, "life goes on" does the trick.  That is not the case for me.  I had a very close relationship with my dad.  He truly was a confidant for me.  Therefore, it is taking time to learn how to be here without my dad.  There is a part of me that will never be the same.

WALK TO DEFEAT ALS -- October 20, 2012 -- Empire Mall in Sioux Falls
www.alsa.org (Team Sweet William)

Jump

Well, I am doing something that I know would make my Dad happy.  He always hated it when I had to fly in small planes to outreach clinics, and when he was so sick, he told me that he didn't want me to do that any more.  Here he was, dying of a horrible disease, and HE worried about ME flying.  I told him I would try to stop flying.  

After 24+ years in the same job, I am switching to a new job.  Still at Sanford, but not in the cardiology clinic.  It's scary.  I feel a sense of loss, leaving a boss that I think the world of, but he will retire long before I will be able to.  I'm leaving co-workers that feel like my work family.  The schedule will be good, and I think that the new job will be a good fit for me.  But it's scary nonetheless. I know my current job, and I've been good at it.  So it's a big deal to move to something new. 
 
It's exactly the type of decision that my dad would have talked me through.  Change is never easy for me.  I like my ruts.  And it's only been less than five months since Dad's death.  I am still grieving, every day.  But he would want me to do this.  I know he would. 

Miss you Dad.  Every. Single. Day.