Constantly Surprising

I am often surprised by this thing we call grief and when it chooses to roar versus growl. 

We went to see my in-laws this weekend.  We haven't been there since Christmas with Dad so sick and Tyler working a lot on the weekends.  It was definitely time, but I still found it to be hard.  I learned it's going to be hard for a while to hear Benny call Arnie "Grandpa."

I almost feel bad saying that, so let me be clear.  Arnie is a great guy:  kind, smart, hard-working and patient with a daughter-in-law who loves to catch & eat fish but hates to unhook them. I can't say enough good things about the guy.

He is a wonderful father-in-law to me, and an amazing Grandpa.    He deserves that term of endearment in an equal amount to my dad.  I hit the dad-in-law jackpot and my kids are SO lucky to have him.  I just wish my kids could have had my dad around longer - that's all, just more time to have two amazing grandpas.

I am learning that you can go a little while and you're ok, and then BAM the tears come like a flood. I am learning to welcome the tears whenever I can.  I really can't allow myself a breakdown at work, and there are times it just isn't ok to look like a complete basket case.  But there are times it's ok to just break down a little.  I hope my kids still miss me three weeks after I am gone. I don't want them to wallow, of course, just like Dad didn't want that for us.  But to be ok now just 3.5 weeks later?  We aren't there yet.

So we put on our big girl boots and do what needs to be done.  We rest on the fact that the Word of God says our dad is in paradise.  We love each other through this.  We appreciate people like Grandpa Arnie Hill who, while maybe bringing attention to a raw spot right now, will play a pivitol, important, priceless role in my kids' lives, and we thank God for all of our blessings.  Sometimes though - grief does roar.