Blue Christmas

Hello Sweetheart,

It will soon be Christmas.  Last night Tyler, Erin and I went to St. Marks for a “Blue Christmas" service.  I cried of course.  I still cry, but not as often as I used to.  Most times I can sit through church without crying, but this service was meant for grief.   I left church feeling better, and that is good.  Pastor Lori mentioned ALS and talked about a lot of things -  where we suspect she may have been talking about you.

I wish you had been able to go to church there Bill – They are good folks, and you would have been comfortable.

 

I was remembering some of our Christmases during the years we knew each other.  You always loved Christmas, but said it was because I loved it so much.  ....We always said we were not going to give each other anything, but we almost always did anyway. So many memories ...more than most people get.  Remember the year with the deer tracks in the driveway after we went on our Santa search?

I am having trouble writing more Bill -  I love you  and I miss you so much ... Christmas was always special for us and even when we did not have much, it was so special.

Love you sweetheart – always have, always will.

Christmas Memories

Christmas was a wonderful time for the Haagenson kids growing up.  There wasn't always a lot of money, but Mom and Dad always made sure we had a good Christmas.  We had all the usual traditions with stockings, food, a tree (or 3) with our little ornaments and the same nativity set every year.

When I was a kid, every year my dad would bring home the crew cab truck.  That was a big deal then when you didn't see them all over the place.  Then we would get in the truck and they would take me around looking for Rudolph's nose up in the sky.  We would come home to all kinds of presents.  One year, we even came home to find deer tracks down the driveway.  What a memory!

Was it all perfection?  Probably not.  I am sure there were years my folks argued about money or things didn't go just as they had planned, but I'll bet not one of the three of us can remember knowing that.

Merry Christmas in heaven, Dad.  It is just not the same hear without you.  Just know that ALS did not destroy who you were in my eyes.  If anything, it made you even bigger!  We will do our best this year, because the little kids need to have a great Christmas too!  That would be important to you.

Love, love, love you eternally!



Resources

If you found our blog and are a PALS, caregiver, family member or friend, we are glad you are here!  We are far from experts.  We just know how this walk feels and how it went for our dad and husband.  We would like to share some excellent resources for information and ways to get involved.  I am sure there are many, many more.  Here are just a few:

Your Local ALSA Chapter . . . Here in SD, our closest chapter office is in the Twin Cities and they head up the MN, ND and SD Chapter. . . http://webmn.alsa.org.  They not only give money to research, but also have great access to loan pools for equipment as well as staff that provide emotional support.

Your local Muscular Dystrophy Association.  They have a section dedicated to fighting ALS!

Team Gleason www.teamgleason.org.

Brigance Brigade www.brigancebrigade.org.

The Packard Center at Johns Hopkins www.alscenter.org.

The Caroline Rober Blog . . . My family found their blog very helpful. www.carolinerober.com.

Grief and Gratitude

"Grief startles us and blows holes in our lives."  Laurie Wallin

I have been planning all week to write something.  But what?  I was talking to Mom and Lynette on Saturday about writing on Facebook how great 2010 was as we went into 2011.  Then, in May 2011 my Grandma Hob died and 6 weeks later my dad was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease.  Want your blood to run cold?  Hear that diagnosis for someone you love.  Then, in April 2012 my dad died.  He died.  My dad died.  MY dad died.  My dad DIED.  You can't plan for that even when you know it's coming.

Anyway, I was saying that 2011 and 2012 really let me down.  But we got to talking about how there are still things to be thankful for.  That we should still have sincere gratitude for the blessings in our lives.  On my drive to work each day this week I have been thinking of all the things for which I am thankful. 

"How do we choose to allow the holes (in our hearts, brought on by grief) to become seeing-through-to-God places?"  Ann Voskamp

2012 has not let me down.  Here's why:

I have a nice, warm home with a full pantry of food and a soft bed to sleep in.  I have a washer and dryer and dishwasher.  I have a nice neighborhood for my kids to live in.  I have a great, loving little Boston Terrier named Maggie.  I have a job I like, working for and with people I like.  I have good benefits, a nice wage and a great retirement plan.  I drive a good vehicle.  I am healthy and even though I need to lose weight, that means I never, ever have to go hungry.

I have a husband who adores me and two amazing, smart, funny, beautiful little boys who are the reason I was put on this earth.

I have a family that has my back no matter what.  Good people came before us and good people will follow.  Nothing fancy about us -- but it's a legacy to be proud of.

We found a church and a pastor that just feel right for our family.

I have friends who showed up at times throughout this year (rummage sale, ALS walk, or just a random pizza) when I needed them most -- even if I didn't know how much I needed them.

We gained a new family member this year in my nephew's wife, Noelle.  She is the perfect fit for us and we are proud to claim her as one of our own.  We get another new family member next May because this year Jared and Abby got engaged.  My nephews have chosen beautiful, good, solid people to spend their lives with.

We took a beautiful memorial trip for my dad in June -- the whole family.  Tyler, the kids and I took a great little trip to Duluth in September.

Tyler, who has worked on the road a lot over the last 5 years, has been in SF since my dad got sick.  God must've known I needed him here and that is a blessing I never, ever, ever take for granted.

My husband has a family that I wish we got to spend more time with.

I am a USA-born girl, who loves this country and the beautiful freedoms it provides me.

The things I have been blessed with are too numerable to mention.

But something bad happened this year, too.  That's just a fact.  And it has changed me forever.  I think a person just has to make room for grief.  Dad won't be present for Thanksgiving this year.  The first one in my 36 Thanksgivings.  I think pretending there isn't an underlying sadness for each of us would be a mistake.  So we will acknowledge his absence.  Maybe tell some funny stories.  Maybe cry a little.

I had a great dad and that is something I will always, always be thankful for.

Information

When Dad was diagnosed with ALS, we were desperate to find information about what was ahead.  Sure, we knew the inevitable end.  That it is a fatal disease, with progressive deterioration, no definite cause, no medications to help, and no cure.  I am a nurse, and yet had pretty much zero experience with ALS.  I remember one patient in all my years.  His speech was significantly affected, and he would come in to the clinic with questions written out for me.  I would sit there with D, going through his cardiac meds and he would cry and drool.  And I would cry, because I felt so bad for the poor guy.  His mind was clear, speech was gone, and I wondered why would anyone have to go through that.  Then my father was diagnosed. 

We combed the internet looking for answers.  I knew where the ALS road ended, but needed to know the how's and most importantly, what would the end be like.  Would he suffer?  How bad would it get?  How long would it take?  Dad's neurologist was great, and he liked her.  But we didn't get alot of specifics, like an estimate of how long.  Oh sure, we got the textbook 3-5 years from diagnosis, but no real info.  I know that it's hard for a physician to predict, that every case is different, etc.  But I was really wanting answers. 

Part of our reason for starting this blog was to help others looking for information. 

In Dad's case, things progressed quickly.  He had involvement of his shoulder girdle/upper chest muscles.  The chest muscles and diaphragm are involved in breathing, and the weakness affected his breathing fairly quickly.  His pulmonary function testing the day of diagnosis was nearly normal.  Yet even then, he got short of breath when we were at the Omaha zoo last July.  The fatigue was immediate and quickly progressed.  He changed so fast, that we even wondered if he had something else, like an undiagnosed cancer or something along with the ALS.  We could tell that it wouldn't be the usual 3-5 year timeframe. 

He was unwavering in his decisions to not accept tube feedings or a ventilator.  We respected that, and even admired the courage that those decisions took.  For comfort, he tried BiPAP, but was miserable.  He decided that he did not want to live that way, and stopped using the BiPAP after a very short time.  It may have given him a little bit more time, yet it really didn't seem to be giving him quality. 

Accepting hospice was a big step for Dad, and for all of us.  We are so glad that we did.  They took care of bringing the meds, talking to the doctor about issues and med adjustments.  Most importantly, it relieved some of the pressure for us, of trying to see as a nurse would.  It was amazing to me that any objectivity and nursing judgment just evaporated.  I just could not see clearly.  Even at the end, when he was laying there with agonal breathing, I couldnt see how close the end was.  He wasn't a patient.  He was Dad. 

My main question was would he suffer?  Would he fight at the end, would the breathing be so bad that he would be air hungry and miserable?   The answer to that is yes....but.   He definitely suffered,  for nine months with decreasing muscle function and loss of independence.  He had a profound malaise, and incredible weakness.  His breathing was tough, and looking back, I believe that it was worse than he ever let on.  He didn't/couldn't eat, and I believe that it was a conscious decision.  Later, he couldn't swallow.  He lost his speech, and the last several days wrote us short little notes.  His life as he knew it changed, and he suffered. 

But at the end, it was peaceful.  Over the last several days, he became quieter, weaker and less responsive.  He received morphine continuously those last couple of days.  I believe that he was kept comfortable.  He stopped responding at all.  He was surrounded by family that loved him.  We talked to him, and sat with him, and held his hands. 

And on a sunny April morning, he quietly passed into God's Kingdom while surrounded by his wife, son, daughters and oldest grandson.  It was peaceful, and even beautiful. 

So to any one involved in the ALS fight, the end can be comfortable and peaceful. 

The courage that Bill Haagenson showed from the moment of diagnosis, was amazing.  He took it like a man, head high and brave....why am I not surprised?  Love you Dad.  Still so proud of you.

Lynette 

Pride & Love

Hello Sweetheart!

I find myself awake early this morning and thinking about you. You are the only other person who would know exactly what I am feeling this morning. Pride is a good emotion too, and doesn’t always go before a fall. Today, pride and love are what I feel about our family and our friends after everyone came together to do the ALS Walk and a huge rummage sale. It is harder for me to write about it than it would be to tell you about it...I know you would know how I feel.

Remember how frustrated you used to get about Erin and her shyness with network marketing? You would always say that if she would just let herself – she would be very successful in networking. Well hon, you should have seen her go with this. She did everything from TV to radio to social networking etc. She was awesome, and kept pulling her slightly sluggish Mom and the rest of us along in her enthusiasm.

She was definitely the leader, but everyone came through in some way. We were all there yesterday for the walk and then for the rummage. There was a ton of stuff to be lifted, marked and moved multiple times, and our family and friends did it!  We raised a lot of money, and even our Wyoming kids were involved as virtual walkers.

We had new blue Team Sweet William shirts, and while we were not the biggest team at the walk, we were surely one of the most enthusiastic. (And most loving) The littler kids looked so cute in their over sized blue shirts with the cowboy on the back.

There was only one person missing in all of this. I thought about pushing an empty wheelchair yesterday, but that would have been just too hard....Maybe someday I will understand the why of you being gone. Maybe it is so that we will all stand together to fight this vicious disease...I don’t’ know. I just know I miss you.

 
Love you Sweetheart – Always have, always will...

A Big Week

Dear Dad,

It's a big week this week.  One that I would have talked to you about.  Oh how I miss you.  I think it's a good thing we don't realize how much we'll miss people before they are gone, because we'd act like crazy people and never leave each other alone!

So this week . . .

First, I am going to be on the radio on Tuesday morning.  The folks at 97.3 are being kind enough to interview me to discuss the Walk to Defeat ALS and our Rummage to Defeat ALS.  I am nervous.  I am not a shy person, but a lot of people listen to that station!  Hope I don't sound dumb.  You would say, "Don't underestimate yourself."

Then we have the walk and rummage on Saturday.  We could use a good turn out, so if you could put in a good word I would appreciate it.

We reached the 6 month mark since your death on the 11th.  I can't believe it's been 6 months.  You died on a Wednesday morning.  Monday of that week was the last time we had a conversation.  I went home for a little while.  I said, "I'll be back after while you little dickens.  Love you."  (I called you that sometimes over the years --- I don't know why)  You grinned and said, "Ok, love you too."  While I was gone they started the morphine drip ... I wish I had known ... and you drifted off to a peaceful sleep which is good because your breathing was labored. 

(To the ALS families reading this, what hospice said would happen did .... they said when his breathing got too labored ... when it was to the point of severe panic ... they would IV sedate him and he would sleep.  That's exactly what happened.  It was truly very peaceful.  Those hospice people know what they're doing.)

Over that last night/day I talked to you a lot.  I hope you heard me.  I am so glad that in the months leading up to your death we were all so honest with each other.  I remember early in your diagnosis you said to me, "Do we really have to pretend we don't know where this is going?"  I loved that about you.  Just hit the nail on the head.  Just call a spade a spade. 

I am doing my best to fight this disease.  I promised you that I would go after it as hard as I could.  I hope you are proud & that I am honoring your memory properly.  You are missed.

On a lighter note, we have been thinking about things you used to say.  Here's one, "Well, that will go over like a pregnant pole vaulter."  You were a funny man.

With love, admiration & respect always,

Erin

So Happy for You - So Sad for Me!

Good morning sweetie,

 

Grief is a funny thing – you never know when it will hit you again.  Some days I wake up and think I am fine, but other days it hits again and the loneliness is overwhelming.  Sometimes that loneliness occurs when I am with a group of people, or even with our family......that is why it is so strange.  Today is one of those days.

 

The days are beautiful right now. Crisp autumn mornings that turn into a beautiful warm day.  I have become a project person and I have done some things to our house to make it nicer and more comfortable.  I put a fireplace in the basement.  Sorry hon, because it cost some money, but I thought it would be better and I would enjoy it more than going on a trip right now.  A trip would just make me more lonely, where the house now makes me feel cozy and safe.  I have pictures of you hanging around – and they make me feel good, too.

 

Erin arranged for an interview with KELO that will air soon.  It is about the ALS walk coming up and why our family is so passionate about raising money for ALS. I am super proud of the kids for what they are doing and picking this way to deal with their grief.

 

I wish we could go riding in the Hills today.....

 

I may drive out to the Hills yet this fall.  It might make me feel closer to you.  I miss you so much sweetheart.  I am so happy for you, but still so sad for me.  I love you – always have, always will.

Miss You

We have passed the 5 month mark since Dad's death.  I sometimes find it harder now than it was right away.  At first we were so happy for him.  Now it's just so permanent. 

1 year ago we were still dealing with the diagnosis and we were planning our 2011 Haagenson Haul.  This year we enter into the autumn season and the holidays without the head of our family.

I hear "life goes on" and that is true.  Guess I can't argue with that logic.  Earth keeps spinning on her axis, campaigns are in full swing, kids are in school and seasons are changing.  But I am changed.  I am changed forever.

I have learned how personal the journey of grieving is.  For some, "life goes on" does the trick.  That is not the case for me.  I had a very close relationship with my dad.  He truly was a confidant for me.  Therefore, it is taking time to learn how to be here without my dad.  There is a part of me that will never be the same.

WALK TO DEFEAT ALS -- October 20, 2012 -- Empire Mall in Sioux Falls
www.alsa.org (Team Sweet William)

Jump

Well, I am doing something that I know would make my Dad happy.  He always hated it when I had to fly in small planes to outreach clinics, and when he was so sick, he told me that he didn't want me to do that any more.  Here he was, dying of a horrible disease, and HE worried about ME flying.  I told him I would try to stop flying.  

After 24+ years in the same job, I am switching to a new job.  Still at Sanford, but not in the cardiology clinic.  It's scary.  I feel a sense of loss, leaving a boss that I think the world of, but he will retire long before I will be able to.  I'm leaving co-workers that feel like my work family.  The schedule will be good, and I think that the new job will be a good fit for me.  But it's scary nonetheless. I know my current job, and I've been good at it.  So it's a big deal to move to something new. 
 
It's exactly the type of decision that my dad would have talked me through.  Change is never easy for me.  I like my ruts.  And it's only been less than five months since Dad's death.  I am still grieving, every day.  But he would want me to do this.  I know he would. 

Miss you Dad.  Every. Single. Day. 

Ride for the Cure - ALS

Thank you to my mom and dad's dear friends:  John, Terry, Sherry, Ardy and Sally.  This was a great day to smell my favorite combination of horse sweat, leather and beer.  It was a wonderful chance to remember my dad and raise funds for the ALS Association.  It makes me feel close to my dad to be around those who knew him and loved him.  Great people and great food!  Is there anything better than a potluck?  We can't say a big enough thanks and we can't wait until next year.

Birthday

Good morning Sweetie!!

Today is my birthday, and I miss you.  You never forgot my birthday and always wanted to take me out somewhere for dinner.  Most of the time I said no because once I got home from Sioux Falls, I never wanted to drive back in.  I regret that now because we should have spent that time with just each other, but being at home with the man I loved was enough.

Yesterday, Terry and Sherry, Ardis, Sally and John sponsored a trail ride in your honor and want the benefit money directed to ALS....It was awesome sweetie, and a lot of people came because they knew you and loved you.  But even if no one had come, it was just so incredible that our friends wanted to do this.  I think they are going to do it again next year, and make it annual.  Won’t that be wonderful?  Erin is going to post some pictures on the blog site so we can continue to promote ALS Awareness.

Boldings offered to bring some horses for the kids, but I don’t think the kids were able to ride just yet.  Riding was their link to you, and it would have been too hard for them, I think.  Maybe next year.

Our family is also working on being involved in the ALS walk in October and on that same day we will have a huge rummage sale to benefit ALS. I know you would be proud of us.  We all hate this disease so much because it made you suffer and took you away too soon.

The reality of you not being here has finally really hit me.  I think I expected to feel you around me all the time, and I don’t.  People tell me that I am looking too hard, and maybe they are right. I hope that you are so happy in Heaven that you never want to look back.  Sometimes, Bill, I want to ask God to let me talk to you for just one hour, but I suppose that if he did that, it still wouldn’t be enough....

 

I love you Sweetheart – always have, always will.

 

Joan

Anger is a Part of Grief

Dad was as excited for his last grandchild as he was for the first.   He worried so much when my sister or I was pregnant, but I suppose that's because we were his babies. 

We didn't know he'd only live another 18 months or so after Ben was born.  Each moment turns out to be so precious.  Why do we sometimes forget that in life!?

The fall Ben was born - in 2010 - Tyler briefly took a different job (a discussion for another time perhaps), and had to be in Mitchell the day that Benny and I were released from the hospital (originally we thought the timing would work, but Ben decided to come a few days before my scheduled c-section).  So, my dad brought us home.  How cool is that!? 

It was pretty awesome to have Dad come to pick us up.  A girl (woman) feels safe with her dad, right!?  I remember he initially put the car seat in forward facing.  So cute!  Well, had to forgive him that because I am sure I didn't even ride home in a car seat.  I think he was actually a little nervous, but he did great!  I remember being so sleepy, so I put newborn Ben in Grandpa's arms and slept for an hour.

Fixed it!  Rear facing!

Mommy taking a picture of Grandpa and Ben going in the house!

I guess tonight I am thinking about how quickly life can change and the rug gets pulled out from under you.  I think I am going through a mad phase again.  In April, I was sad.  No, devastated, but I was so happy for my dad.  His chains were gone.  He beat ALS and went home to God.  And, I am still happy about those things because I love him and he belongs in heaven with the Lord.  But I needed him here, and his absence is still so big.  I miss him so much -- hard to explain, I guess.  It's just all the little day to day things I would call him about.  What a lucky daughter I was.

FAITH is the most important thing.  A belief that because Jesus died for me I will see my dad again some day.  There is a song called "Jealous of the Angels" by Jenn Bostic.  Highly recommend it!

I don't mean to be a downer.  I have so many beautiful, amazing people and things in my life.  Just missing Bill Haagenson tonight.

Fighting ALS

Hi everyone -- If you're out there reading our blog THANK YOU!  It means so much to us that our family and friends and even friends we haven't met yet are sharing our journey.  If you are a fellow ALS family member or even someone with ALS and you want someone to talk to, I know that anyone in our family would be happy to get in touch with you.  ALS is a journey that you can't know until you know.  Like my sister said, "It's a special club that nobody wants to belong to."  But once you belong, that's that.  We can't change it, but we can FIGHT IT!

We are FIGHTING ALS in a few upcoming ways that I wanted to let you know about:

1)  Melissa is running in the ALS Superhero 5K/10K Dash in the Twin Cities on October 13th.

2)  Please join us for the Walk to Defeat ALS at the Empire Mall in Sioux Falls on October 20th.  You can find Team Sweet William at the ALS web site:  www.alsa.org.  We are looking for donations and fellow walkers.  I have set my personal goal of $1,000 this year.  I raised it last year and my dad was so proud of me ... he was telling everyone.  I would love to make him that proud again this year.  We had a team of about 35 last year and we were blown away.  Let's double it this year!!!!!  It's so important that you register if you're going to walk, so if you need help with that please let me know.  Let's go get ALS and make it feel as bad as we do.

3)  On that same day, October 20th, we are holding a gigantic, ginourmous, humongous rummage sale at the Local 426 Hall here in Sioux Falls.  ALL $$$ made will go to the ALS Association.  We are looking for any and all "rummageable" donations, so look through those closets.  We will take your clothes, household items, dishes, electronics, furniture, baby gear, etc.  All items that don't sell will be donated to the YMCA, Furniture Mission, etc. Also, if you know of good (cheap or FREE) ways to promote our rummage, please get a hold of me at tenhill@msn.com.  Be sure to reference ALS Walk/Rummage in the subject line in case I don't recognize your e-mail address.  We are also seeking folks to help us set up, run, and take down the rummage sale.

Dear Dad,

I hope we're making you proud.  I don't know what to do with my grief most days.  I haven't learned how to be without you yet.  The best I can do to combat grief is fight back against the disease that took you away.  Love you so much.

Erin

Good Morning

Good morning Sweetheart, 

It is Monday morning after the wedding weekend.  I need to tell you about it.  There are so many things that happen that I want to tell you about, like the Black Hills Land...I had to sign up for the rural water ($) and it looks like our lovely neighbor across the road is creating a road where there shouldn’t be one.  I may drive out there and check it out, but it is just one of many things you would have handled that I struggle with and need you for .....

Now the wedding -  You would have been so proud of all of our family.

Jordan was so handsome and mature....where did little J-Man go?  He and Noelle leave tonight on their honeymoon.  They are just a wonderful couple and I am so happy about their marriage.

Jared was the Best Man and did a super job.....His wedding is only about 10 months away now.  I know you didn’t have time to really get to know Abby, but you would love her too, as I do.

Melissa and Maddy both had their hair fixed so pretty...........They are beautiful, but even more so because they are so very sweet.

Nate did a super job as ring bearer (with just a little bribe) and danced his socks off all night with the flower girl! 

Benny would not go down the aisle of the church, but he was soooo cute in his tux.

Bailey kind of watched out for me a lot, and stayed with me during the reception.

We missed you a lot at the wedding. Remember that we set the wedding as the main goal for you to be able to be there?  Everyone talked about how much fun you would have had.  You would have talked to everyone at every table before the night was over. I think you would have even danced a lot. 

I was with everyone that I love, but still felt alone.  I know that will get better as time goes on, because one could not continue to feel that lonely and survive.  I didn’t dance much at this wedding, but I plan to have myself perked up a bit and ready to dance at the next one.... You would want me to I think, and I need to. 

Bill and Michele went home this morning.  Bob and Peggy are moving out on Saturday, so I will be alone in the house again.   That will be okay.  I have a few more things I want to do to the house, but after that I am going to start planning some fun time.. 

I love you Bill, and I miss you....

Joan

Dear Bill

Dear Bill,

It is August 2nd....so Happy Anniversary Sweetheart...I love you and I miss you. I wish that it didn’t seem possible that you have been gone from me nearly 4 months, but I can’t say that because it does seem that long. Every day without you is long. I do things during the day that I want to tell you about, so I go ahead and I talk to you a lot....people must see me and laugh.

 

I am doing okay though Hon. Life is different and not what I would have chosen, but it is okay. Did I tell you I am going back to work?? I bet you are not surprised. I promise I will not work too many hours...Just a few and a chance to meet some other people.

 

This Saturday is Jordan and Noelle’s wedding. I know how badly you wanted to be there. In a way you will be there because I carry you with me all the time. I will feel you beside me that night and sitting there watching them. The kids will be putting some flowers in the church in your honor. Ben and Nate will be in tuxes, just like the big guys. I am anxious to see all of them, all dressed up. Bailey has been here this week too and the Wyoming kids are coming on Friday. The only one missing is you.

 

Ben has switched again and now calls me Baama – You are still Bompa, every time I show him your picture.

 

It has been incredibly hot here sweetie – just like the year we got married. This wedding will be in an air conditioned church though – not like when we got married. I remember every detail of our wedding, especially the cute guy I married and loved for nearly 49 years.

 

Love you Honey and miss you......Joan

Memorial Walk

We started our memorial trip with a buffet lunch at Golden Corral - Dad's favorite.  It was kind of a somber lunch, but we filled our bellies with a buffet.  Dad would have appreciated the gesture.

We met the rest of the family at the KOA campground in the Black Hills to take a memorial walk for Dad.  He asked us to do this and never waivered throughout his illness about what his wishes were.  In fact, one of the last conversations Bill had with Dad was Dad asking him if he knew the right place.  He did -- we all did.

At 6:00 am ... a lucky alarm clock problem considering the heat, we set off to do what Dad wanted.



Starting off on our walk.

Sunrise!

The "easy" part is over!

Taking a break - YAY!!

Getting closer!  The hike with 6+ miles round trip.



A diamond!  We used to ride with some people who were obsessed with trail markers.
Dad thought that was hilarious!
My dad much preferred to head off trail with his compass in hand.
This picture is for you, Dad!



Sibs and Mom at Dad's favorite place!

Grandkids!

Helping Ben spread his wildflower seeds.

Kind of a somber time.

This was what remained of my father's funeral service.  There were some tears, some laughs.  I have been trying to blog all week about this experience, but I have been struggling to come up with the right words. And as with the final moments of Dad's life ... it's precious and very difficult to describe.  Throughout this blog, I hope that our respect and love for Dad is apparent.  Reconciling my faith in God with my loss here on earth is hard -- I can admit that.

My dad would have been incredibly proud of us on this day.  As we were leaving to hike back a big wind came through the trees and kind of swirled around us ... there had been no breeze that day .... I like to think that was my dad saying, "By golly they did it!"

We have each been asked if it bothers us that there is no grave to visit ... no "marker" signifying my dad's life.  The "marker" of my dad's life is visible in the picture above of his grandchildren.  And we DO have somewhere to visit. 

I have seen the verse talking about building a stairway to heaven and bringing someone back again.  I wouldn't.  I know that if I could talk to Dad he would say, "Honey ... if you could just see where I am."  He would say, "It'll be alright."  He said that to me a lot.  That, "...things have a way of working out."  So, I wouldn't want my dad to come back.  The pain is immense, but you can't ask someone to come back out of God's kingdom.  We had a good life together here on earth and now Dad waits for us on the other side.

I will close this post with a writing that makes me think of Bill Haagenson.  It's by Edgar Guest.

I might have been rich if I'd wanted the gold instead of the friendships I've made.  I might have had fame if I'd sought for renown in the hours when I purposely played.  Now I'm standing today on the far edge of life, and I'm just looking backward to see ... what I've done with the years and the days that were mine, and all that has happened to me.

I haven't built much of a fortune to leave to those who shall carry my name.  And nothing I've done shall entitle me now to a place on the tablets of fame.  But I've loved the great sky and its spaces of blue - I've live with the birds and the trees.  I've turned from the splendor of silver and gold to share in such pleasures as these.

I've given my time to the children who came; together we've romped and we've played.  And I wouldn't exchange glad hours spent with them for the money that I might have made.  I chose to be known and be loved by the few, and was deaf to the plaudits of men.  And I'd make the same choice should the chance come to me to live my life over again.

I've lived with my friends and I've shared in their joys ... known sorrow with all of its tears.  I have harvested much from my acres of life, though some say I've squandered my years.  For much that is fine has been mind to enjoy, and I think I have lived to my best.  And I have no regret as I'm nearing the end for the gold that I might have possessed.

Love you Dad.  Eternally proud to be your daughter.

♪ American Honey ♫

 ♪ ♫ She grew up on the side of the road

Where the church bells ring

and strong love grows

She grew up good

She grew up slow

Like American honey ♪ ♫

     These lyrics to Lady Antebellum's American Honey make me think of us growing up. 

     We grew up right by the old country church where my dad was confirmed.  He and his family went to that church for years.  I remember my grandpa and grandma Hob and Erna pulling in the driveway after church on Sundays in their old brown car.  They sat every Sunday in the same pew, by the squawky hearing aide so that Grandpa could hear.  I don't know about other churches, but at Palisade Lutheran, it was like everybody had assigned seating.  We loved sitting by Grandpa and Grandma.  We were baptized there, confirmed there, and I was married there.  Looking out the front windows of our home, we would see that pretty and peaceful old country church, where most of our neighbors went too.  And yes, the church bells would ring.  I love that old church.  It was where Dad's funeral service was held, and in my fog that day, I missed hearing the church bells ring joyously, celebrating his going to Heaven.  I wish that I had heard that.

     Strong love definitely grew.  Not only my parents, but also their parents, and my aunts and uncles.  Marriages were solid, and couples didn't quit.  Our parents loved us so much.  We always knew that, it was a given.  The importance of love and family is something that we learned early.

     We were protected but not overly sheltered.  Dad and Mom didn't feel that we needed to work jobs in high school, because we had all of our lives to work.  Yet we were expected to help at home, in the house, and with whatever chores, gardening, mowing, baling or horse chasing needed to be done.  We grew up knowing the value of hard work, and it shapes us to this day.   

     We had good childhoods.  That 16 acre place on highway 23 was a wonderful place to raise kids.  It was HOME.  We had good neighbors and room to run. At one time or another, we had a goat, ducks, geese, chickens, pigs, sheep, cats, dogs, alpacas, and always tons of horses.  We were blessed. 

 

     Yesterday was an emotional, yet comforting day.  Mom, Erin and I went to Garretson to pick up Dad's cremains from the funeral home.  We then drove by the acreage, and decided to stop in to see if the new owner was home.  We didn't get an answer  (so weird to have to knock at that door!) so we took the liberty of walking around outside a little bit.  We saw lots of changes (the house is RED) and fences and gates removed.  There are sheep in the pasture instead of horses.  Erin and I walked down by the granery and toward the pump and barn.  It was so comforting to smell the smell of old horse poop, alpaca and dirt by the granery.  It gave a sense of Dad.  And yes, Dad in his work clothes and cap did tend to smell like horse poop and dirt after working outside all day.  But it was good smells, and a good feeling and I wish that I could bottle that smell up.  Seeing his tractor sitting there hit Erin and I in exactly the same way, at the same time.  Just a sudden gut punch achy feeling.  But I am grateful that we got a chance to do that.  And yep, the place still feels like HOME.  Like Dad.  Even with sheep.

     We have a weekend family trip ahead.  We are all going to the Black Hills this weekend.  Mom, the three kids, our spouses, and grandkids and fiances.  We are going to go walk the Slate Creek horse ride that Dad loved so much.  We plan to enjoy some time together, have some fun, maybe drink a little beer, and tell stories about Dad.  He asked us to do this, and he would love it, and I hope that we can do this every summer. 

Miss you, Dad.  <3

    

     

Before/after

Erin found a statement that is so appropriate. 

"There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same, and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this."

So very, very true. 

And to think that just one year ago at this time, we knew that something was wrong with Dad, but we still didn't have a clue what was ahead.  

 

Father's Day

Father's Day is gonna be a tough day this year.  So ... In honor of Father's Day 2012, I am going to list some cool things about my dad.  They are in no particular order, and this list is not even close to complete.  I am sure my siblings could list just as many or more.

1. Our relationship was very special. He allowed me to have an opinion and voice it.
2. My dad was super funny.  Cheesy.  Goofy.
3. He was far from perfect and never pretended to be perfect.  He made mistakes & lived & learned.
4. My dad was really smart.  Really.  He was so good at math!
5. My dad was fiercely loyal, and because of that could sometimes get his feelings hurt by people.
6. He would have torn limb from limb anyone that hurt his grandchildren.
7. My dad really loved his parents and his grandparents and his sisters.
8. My dad made me drive a tractor, a lawn mower, and a pick up with a trailer behind.
9. My dad took good care of our dogs ... especially when they got old and tired.
10. My dad (and mom) let me ... no, made me quit my job my senior year of high school.  Said I had my whole life to work.
11. My dad (and mom) did not buy me a "better" car just cuz I wanted one.
12. My dad had very twinkly eyes and a great laugh and smile.
13. My dad had the best metabolism, and stayed pretty thin except for a while after he quit smoking when I was 14.
14. My dad (and mom) made me watch the State of the Union Address growing up ... among other political things.  I could disagree (I usually didn't), but I better know why and state my case.
15. I know of a few times in his life that my dad cried ... when his parents died, when my mom was badly hurt, and a few times during his illness.  I love that I got to see that side of him, too.
16. My dad LOVED to mess with me because I like a plan, and he was more go with the flow.
17. My dad worked super hard his whole life, and I am very proud to be a working man's kid.
18. My dad loved deviled ham sandwiches, crispy sugar cookies, good coffee, toast, cottage cheese, eclairs, and what do you call that fish junk on the salad bar ... just to name a few.
19. In later years he considered shaving off his mustache, but I begged him not to.
20. He and I both loved the song "Old Flames" by Dolly Parton and danced to it at my wedding.
21. He had a bajillion funny sayings ... some not repeatable in "polite" company.
22. He loved to pick asparagus out of ditches.
23. When I was having a long labor with Nathan, my dad came into the room and just held my hand for awhile.  But not during the gross part ;)
24. Due to something unavoidable with work, Dad took me 'n Ben home from the hospital on Tyler's behalf.  What a gift that was!  So special to see him pull up in the blue van to get us!!
25. My dad kept such a strong faith during his illness.  What an example for me and my kids!
26. My dad had my back, plain and simple.  He was my go-to guy, my friend, my dad, my buddy, my critic, my cheerleader.

I cannot express the grief I feel.  The last 8 weeks have not diminished it.  We live our lives, but the absence is BIG.  It is hard to wrap my mind around the absence in our lives.  But, I know what his expectation and wish for me would be - LIVE, be a good mom, wife, daughter and friend.  Have FUN.  Don't be so serious all the time.  Keep my FAITH.  Pray.  Work hard.  Take good care of Mom.  Love on my KIDS a lot. :)

Dad - You were a gift to me.  I miss you every single day, but I know that you are more alive than we are.  See you on the other side someday!!!  And, Happy Father's Day!!!  Love you lots.

October 20, 2012

Please join us on October 20, 2012 for the Walk to Defeat ALS!  We are hoping for double the team numbers and double the funds raised this year in honor of my dad!!!!!!!!!!!

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he lived.  You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.  Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love that you shared.  You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  You can remember him and only that he is gone or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.  You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.  Or you can do what he would want:  smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
~ David Harkins

Baampa

Ben calls me Baampa now. It is an “A” sound (like in CAT) and definitely not either Maama (his previous name for me)  or Bompa.  I know that it is probably wishful thinking on my part that he is doing that because he is combining us a little bit into one?  Wouldn’t that make it easier to make sure he remembers “Bompa”?

I was thinking last week that when Bill and I married the two of us became one - which is what God intends.  So does that mean that now I am just 1/2?  No – I really do know better than that.  I am still one person who will always carry a wonderful person with me in my heart and my memories.  Being married to Bill made me a better person and now I have to figure out what I am supposed to do by myself. I know God has a plan...I just haven’t seen it yet, but I will.  And I think Ben is helping remind me that I am still complete and in his eyes still represent his Bompa too.

For Christmas I am going to make books about Bompa for each of the younger 3 Grandkids.  The older ones have so many memories of him, but the younger ones may need a little help.  I am looking through pictures for each of them with their Grampa.  He will remain part of our lives forever.

My Birthday

Today is my first birthday without you, Dad.  I miss you like crazy.  I miss hearing you say, "Thank goodness you weren't twins."  Or, "Kids are expensive pets."

Today, I am leaning on God's word, which tells me exactly where you are.  Last night there was the most beautiful sunset - - one of the prettiest I have ever seen - - and I couldn't help but think of you and what you must be seeing in heaven.

Today, out of the gajillion people that I could have been born to, I am thankful that I was born into our family.

Love you, Dad!